maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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