I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Randomize
