fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
