I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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