i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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