yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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