Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
