I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
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Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
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I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
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