i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Randomize
