His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
