my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
