The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
