I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Princesses don't give blow jobs
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
