please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Randomize
