Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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