i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
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