I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Randomize
