literally had 100 drinks last night.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I got inside last night via doggy door
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Randomize
