It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Randomize
