Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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