just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
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