He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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