I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
