Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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