she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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