Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
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