I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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