i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
