shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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