Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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