id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
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