I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
