buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Semen is not good for contacts.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
