Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
