People in love make me want to vomit
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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