Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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