Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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