I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
