i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
