Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
You brought string cheese to the strip club
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
