So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
