I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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