The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
