her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Randomize
