Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Randomize
