i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize
