Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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