you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
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I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
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There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
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