Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
