You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
