i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
