You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
My life is pants optional.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
