I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
did you just send me my own nude
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Randomize
