I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
