I look better un-naked...
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
