My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
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