Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
