How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
