first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
