I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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